WHEN THINGS FALL APART...LIKE BLOG POSTS

So, I had this lovely post all ready to go last week. It had pics and links and was about a subject that I love: fall and all the beauty that comes with this quirky little season. It was also one of those list posts that can be quite writing-intensive, depending how deep you want to go.

So, I was making some adjustments when I used the "undo" function one too many times and undid my blog post into oblivion. Um, to say I was destroyed would be an understatement. There were screams, frantic efforts to recover the post, tears, profanity (obviously) and a call to my sister.

Anyone who was written anything on a laptop knows the pain of completing losing a cherished piece of work at the end stages. However, what this experience taught me, besides the fact that "undo" is evil and needs an overhaul, is that I was upset because I care about this blog. I care about one day doing the contributing/freelance writing thing. I like it when people like my writing. In fact it makes me feel warm and fuzzy. Hopefully you folks aren't blowing smoke with your compliments, and maybe I can make this writer thing happen. After all, I care, dammit.

Anywho, enjoy your Sunday and stay random, and HAPPY FALL!

Jay

CrazySexyCool or..Young, Dumb and in Love: The TLC story

Like many folks, I was pleasantly surprised by VH1's "CrazySexyCool: The TLC Story." Thanks to this movie, I now know that Left Eye was originally from Philly, Lil' Mama can do more that keep her lip gloss poppin' (seriously, Lil Mama got acting chops), and that "No Scrubs" and "Creep" won't stop playing in my head anytime soon (I miss the 90s. *sigh*)

In addition to getting a kick out of seeing a college friend in the movie, it was interesting to learn more about the ladies' love lives, or their adventures into the Land of Young, Dumb and in Love, and its suburb, Dumb and Sprung.

The TLC ladies, T-Boz, Left Eye and Chili, all stayed in relationships way too long  that weren't good for them until they finally woke up and got a clue (some might say that Chili is still sleeping, but I digress). Raise your hand if you've been there, are still there or on your way there. Yep, that's pretty much every woman EVER. 

What's crazy about the Land of Young and Dumb, is that it's not just the young that are taking up residence. Case in point, I ain't exactly young (Generation X stand up!), but I'm finally starting to come out of a situation that could have been, but never was because of certain choices and wanting to believe that I was special enough to change the unchangeable. Never mind that a lot of beautiful words were said, and a lot of flowers and messages were sent, it was never going to be me, and it was probably dumb to think otherwise. After all, actions are a LOT louder than words, and I got a lot of words. 

I don't know why it wasn't me, and I shouldn't care, but it still bothers me. It's effing annoying. It also doesn't make a lick of sense. The "I didn't know how to tell you..." and promises of explanation probably won't amount to much because: A) How do you not know how to tell someone something? Open your mouth, speak and tell the truth. It really is that easy. And B) Men and communication don't really get along. God forbid you ask a man to express his feelings, with, you know, words and ish.  As my married girlfriend once told me, "Is it stupid? Yes, but that's just how men are."  Sorry to generalize guys, but you know how you like to do. 

So while everyone else focused on how Pebbles and L.A. Reid took advantage of TLC's naivete and left them broke (Beware the wrath of Black Twitter, Pebbles.), I obviously focused on what Chili's mom said in the movie: "We've all been there."

Yes, we've all been there, but we don't have to stay. 

Stay Random,

Jay

Scandal Indeed: Olivia Pope and her Daddy Issues are a Motha!

They say that all girls marry their father. If that's the case, are some of us screwed? On this week's episode of SCANDAL, we got a little peek into what makes Olivia Pope tick and apparently it's a complicated relationship with her father, Rowan, aka, Daddy Pope, formerly known as Senator Whitley's Byron, played perfectly by Joe Morton.

Rowan is an extremely powerful, terrifying, ruthless, abusive individual who will literally put mofos in a hole if they even think of stepping out of line. Despite being the CEO of Goon Inc., he's still a father, and when Olivia is outed as the president's sidepiece, he swoops in to save his baby girl from herself. Whether he's doing it because he loves his daughter, wants to control her, or a combination of the two remains to be seen, but it's classic father behavior. Like his daughter, he's a fixer (albeit Rowan's methods are a tad more extreme),
so naturally he comes in to rescue Olivia and tries to "fix" what's broken.

But, he can’t just be a savior. Nope, he has to yell at her, denigrate her, insult her, and reduce a grown, intelligent, powerful woman in her own right to a scared, trembling child. I mean, in the first five minutes of the show, Daddy Pope read Olivia for FILTH, and Olivia couldn't do anything but deal:

Rowan: “You raised your skirt and opened your knees and gave it away to a man with too much power. You’re not rare. You’re not special. Your story’s no different than a thousand other stories in this town so you know how this goes. You could call this in your sleep. First they’ll smile, be warm, sympathetic, on your side, letting you know that they will fight for you. They will pull you into a false sense of security. And then, once your belly is exposed, they will gut you. And they will be swift about it. And by the time you realize you should be fighting back, well, you’re already bleeding to death. That is the presidency versus you. Whose victory do you think they will fight for? Whose body do you think they will bury?” Olivia: “He would never do…” Rowan: “He would never. You and I both know that he is not in charge. He is never in charge. Power is in charge. Power got him elected. I know more than you could possibly imagine about things of which you cannot dream. He told you that you would be first lady, and you believed him! Did I not raise you better? How many times have I told you, you have to be…what? You have to be…what?” Olivia: “Twice…” Rowan: “What?!” Olivia: “Twice as good.” Rowan: “Twice as good as them to get half of what they have. Sleeping with that…For God’s sake! You know to aim higher. At the very least, you could have aimed for chief of staff, secretary of state! First lady! Do you have to be so mediocre?” (Source: http://loveniaimani.tumblr.com)

Unfortunately, for some people, this is also classic father behavior.

During the episode, we discover Olivia may have a penchant for older, powerful men. Fitz (in all his awful, selfish, manipulative man child glory), certainly fits the bill. Rowan is also extremely powerful. See the connection here? Olivia may not be here for her father's God complex, but there’s a reason she’s attracted to power and a reason why she doesn’t exactly get along with Daddy Pope, and it’s deeper than just “all girls marry their fathers.” Maybe it’s more like what Iyanla said on a recent "Fix My Life" episode, all women marry their fathers. We marry who our father was, who we wanted him to be, and we marry the father of our fantasies.

This is so real for me because I too have a messy relationship with my father. I’m not a “daddy’s girl” by any stretch of the imagination. Now, my dad is no Rowan, but he ain't Cliff Huxatable either. Let's just say that some fathers have no concept of anything but the tough-love-with-a-side-order-of-fear approach without any regard for a little thing called self-esteem (Love you, dad, but let's keep it 100).





The thought of marrying anyone remotely like my dad scares the crap out of me. However, like Daddy Goon, my dad will swoop like Captain-Save-A-Daughter in a heartbeat to "fix" something. He'll just make you feel like ish while he's doing it. The "twice as good to get half of what they have" stuff? My dad never said that directly to me, but it was implied like a mug (I think many children of color of a certain generations can relate to that one). I love my dad, but I don’t want to marry anyone with the characteristics that make our father-daughter relationship so complicated. So does that mean I want to marry the man I wanted my dad to be? Does Olivia? What camp does she fall into? If all us gals who want to get married are really just looking for our dads, aren’t we just setting ourselves up for disappointment? Can we just take our dads out of this, and just be open to a good guy?

Man, they don’t call them Daddy Issues for nothing.

Stay Random,

Jay

Have light-skinned brothers finally made a comeback? The Sequel: Now with more chocolate

Back in 2012 I wrote a post about light-skinned dudes making a comeback. It was all in fun, but for whatever reason (you know who you are), it remains my most popular post.

So, in the interest of giving the people what they want, I decided to do a sequel...kinda. This time I'm not only talking about high-yellowness,but all shades of the chocolate rainbow.

First up, the 2013 class of Team Light-Skin:

Colin Kaepernick 

Did I know who the heck 49ers QB Colin Kaepernick was before last year? Nope, and neither did you. Ever since he burst on the football scene he's been everywhere, naked in ESPN the Magazine, half-naked in GQ, commercials, etc. Some might say he's overexposed. Others, like me, are enjoying the view. Oh, word on the street is that the 25-year-old football star is dating the lovely 42-year-old Sanaa Lathan. Discuss and be jealous!  
 
And while we're on the subject of naked athletes in magazines, I'd like to give a shout out to ESPN's Body Issue.


Last year we got Tyson Chandler and his glorious glutes on the cover, and this year we get Colin in all his tatted-up glory. ESPN's Body Issue: the gift that keeps on giving.   


Dewayne "The Rock" Johnson

Who doesn't love Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson? He's BIG, tall and gorgeous and seems like a cool guy. Hence, his placement on this list. However, I do so with a bit of hesitation because of this ESSENCE cover. Um, I've never heard of The Rock dating a Black woman, but there he is in all his fineness talking about what he likes about Black women (slight side-eye). Uh, OK boo. Hopefully you weren't lying to ESSENCE, and we'll see a sista on your arm in the near future. Until then, stay fine.

Daniel Sunjata 

Who remembers Daniel Sunjata as Louis LeRoy on Sex in the City? If you don't, you ain't no real fan of this pretty piece of man candy. Seriously, he was one of the reasons I watched Rescue Me for as long as a I did. He's got a new show called Graceland on the USA network. I'm at capacity with my TV shows, but check out the show (I hear it's good), if nothing else than to peep what you've been missing.











Matt Kemp

Anyone who knows me understands how much I HATE, HATE, HATE baseball. Seriously, it's like chicken pox. It's painful and takes way too long to go away. So, how do I know who Matt Kemp is? All praise be to Rihanna for introducing the world to the cuteness that is Kemp. If baseball is chicken pox then Kemp is calamine lotion, making the pain go away, at least for a little while. Oh Matt, this would be so much easier if you just played a sport that I liked. Why won't you cooperate, with your cute self?



Lenny Kravitz

Lenny Kravitz is almost 50 and putting most of these young bucks to shame, and not just in the fine department. In addition to being a rock star, he's acting career is on 10 with roles in The Butler, Hunger Games, and more. He also has his own design firm...and an island in the Bahamas. Get. Yo. Life. Lenny is doing the damn thing, and he's doing it well.    


Derrick Rose

If ever there was a light-skinned dude making a comeback, it's Derrick Rose. D. Rose hasn't played in nearly 18 months due to a torn ACL and put everyone on notice that he wasn't going to play again until he was good and ready. Well, he says he's good to go, and I'm sure fans everywhere can't wait until he steps back on the court. Chicago stand up!












Honorable Mention

Laz Alonso

Don't you wish you saw of more of Mr. Alonso? I mean, look at him. He's FIONE and he's bilingual. If that ain't sexy I don't know what is. Hopefully he'll get the TV or movie come up he deserves, and all of our wishes will be granted.




Light-skinned Oreos 

Yeah, I'm putting cookies on this. Why? Because they're light-skinned, and I hear they're really good. It's my list and I can do what I want.










Now, I promised a broader spectrum of fine in this post, and I'm a woman of my word. Next up: the 2013 class of Team Chocolate (milk and dark): 

Idris Elba

You can't have a proper Team Chocolate list without Idris Elba. I mean, bloody hell, do we even need to discuss this? Nope, I didn't think so. Keep calm (if you can), and carry on.

 

Lance Gross 

Lance has beautiful skin, pretty teeth, a new TV show, impressive photography skills, and seems like the type of fineness you could take home to your moma. Now, after you leave your moma's place...well, this is a family blog but you get the idea :)

Columbus Short 

 

Oh Harrison, you gorgeous gladiator in Gingham. For many people, Scandal is all about Olivia and Fitz. But when they're not having hate sex, it's all about Harrison, his tailored suits and his raspy yet sexy voice. Now, from what I hear, he isn't exactly the best husband (marriage #2 recently went kaput), but Harrison, I mean Columbus, is an actor, so just enjoy the fantasy.

Morris Chesnut

I am so excited to see The Best Man Holiday in November and part of the reason is because Morris Chestnut is STILL fine after all these years and all his hairstyles. Morris and Lance are in a tight race for the prettiest teeth prize, but Morris has been holding it down for dark brothers with pearly whites since the early 90s, so advantage Morris. 












Blair Underwood  

Like Lenny Kravitz, Blair is aging like a fine wine. He's also knocking on 50 and has a lot going on. Last year it was the revival of A Streetcar Named Desire, and this year it's a new show called Ironside on NBC. Do I need to do a post on older, sexy brothers? If I do, you already know who will top the list.

Dolvett Quince

I don't watch The Biggest Loser often, but the last time I did, I noticed they had a new trainer that was chocolate and fine, with pretty teeth (Are you sensing a pattern here?). Good call, Biggest Loser! It takes a lot to motivate me, but handsome trainers certainly help.

Honorable Mention

Serge Ibaka

Serge "Air Congo" Ibaka plays for the Oklahoma City Thunder and is quite sexy as you can see. Singer Keri Hilson peeped his chocolatety African goodness and snatched him off the market. Smart girl! Now if she could only make equally smart decisions about her singing career.
 
Dark-skinned Oreos

You can't go wrong with a classic. And like I said earlier, it's my list and I can put whatever I want on here, including cookies.

So, there you have it, the 2013 All-Inclusive Class of Fine. If you disagree with my choices...uh, OK. If you agree with my choices, maybe we can be friends. Until the next list...

Stay Random,
Jay. 

Church Leaders and Reality TV: For the Love of GOD, Just Say No

So, remember when I wrote this little ditty about the latest hot mess reality show, Preachers of L.A.? Well, despite my best efforts, the show is still happening and I have a sad. Like a big sad. Rahiel Tesfamariam, columnist for The Washington Post, shares my sadness and concern and wrote a great piece about why reality TV and pastors don't mix. I encourage you to read it.  Here's a snippet:

"Like so many reality TV shows before them, these programs focus on black opulence. Often, they make a mockery of black wealth, portraying affluent African Americans as irresponsible, reckless financial stewards. These stereotypes are magnified by highlighting prosperity ministries versus churches rooted in a social gospel focused on the poor."

It's all fun and games until people look at these shows and assume that all churches and pastors are like the ones they see on TV. Organized religion already gets the side-eye from a lot of people, and I believe this show, and others like it (the pic on the left is from a new Bravo show called "Thicker Than Water"), will only push people further away from the church. Uh, that's not how it's supposed to work, but don't tell that to church leaders blinded by reality stardom and dollar signs. They aren't listening anyway. See why I have a sad? 

Stay Random,

Jay 

All the Family: When Siblings DON'T ATTACK--The Wedding Edition

So remember when I was questioning whether I was going to my sister's wedding? Well, I went to the wedding and like Martha Stewart might say, it was a good thing.

My sister and I didn't have any big breakthroughs or any Lifetime movie moments at the wedding. However, for a few days in August, it was like the ugliness of November and December 2012 never happened. My sister was a beautiful bride, and I actually had a lot of fun with my family and my sister's crazy friends/bridesmaids.

Even though I wasn't the Maid of Honor (my choice, mainly because I didn't want the responsibility), I did what you're supposed to do in these situations: I was supportive and helpful. I got my mom out of the bridal suite when she started to get on my sister's nerves. I bought wine for the bridesmaids because an alcohol-free bridal suite is wrong on so many levels. I took down my brand new two-strand twists without complaint because my sister wanted my hair to look "fuller."

I'm not saying this to toot my own horn, I'm saying it because it wasn't as hard as I anticipated it would be to just be there in the moment. Why? Because I had finally forgiven her, and I was happy for her. Now, how did I get to the forgiveness zone? Exhaustion.

Seriously, holding onto anger, bitterness and the desire to make someone hurt as badly as they've hurt you is like beating yourself up and wondering where all the bruises came from.  After nearly a year of pain, tears, headaches, stress and lack of sleep, I just couldn't take it anymore. I was suffocating under the weight of my hurt and anger, and I just wanted to breathe again.

Up until the wedding I was still struggling with the fact that we will probably say or do something again to wound each other because we are extremely different people who do not know how to communicate with each other. We may never have the close relationship I once desired because of past hurts and new priorities, which for her include a husband, a new house and new job responsibilities. As depressing as that may sound, I'm now actually kind of at peace with it because I've grown tired of trying to force my way into relationships. I can't make anyone do anything, and I can't stop anyone from doing anything. I'm officially letting go of the expectations and the anger and will just see what the end is gonna be.

I don't know what the future holds for me and my sister. I don't know if I'll ever get to point where I can be my most "primal self" with her, but forgiveness has at least opened the door.

P.S. Did I mention there was a New Orleans second line at the wedding (my sister's husband is from the NO)?

Or that my parents danced and drank at the wedding (they don't do either in real life)?

Orrrrrrr....that my uncle danced so hard that he fell on the floor? Yeah, all that happened. Told ya it was fun :)

Stay random,

Jay

Jesus Knows My Heart: Why that Excuse Doesn't Work for Russell Simmons Or Anyone Else

By now you probably know about Russell Simmons' infamous Harriet Tubman sex tape parody. Yes, I used "Harriet Tubman" and "sex tape" in the same sentence.

For some unfathomable reason, Hip-hop mogul and now confirmed idiot Russell Simmons decided to launch his All Def Digital YouTube Channel with a parody video depicting Harriet Tubman as some sort of overweight vixen who uses sex to blackmail massa into helping her free the slaves. No, I'm NOT making this up.

As soon as Russy posted this trash (lawd!), people read him for filth, dragged him through the filth and demanded that the filth be taken down. Cue the apologies and explanations which were also disturbing because they revealed Russell's willful ignorance, callousness, and extraordinary stupidity.

While the episode was obviously tragic and ridiculous on every level, what got me were the Russell apologists who defended his indefensible actions with the "I know his heart" excuse. Example A: Michael Skolnick, Russy's political director and EIC of GlobalGrind.com.

"And most importantly, I know what is in this man’s heart. I know that it is full of goodness and compassion.  If I didn’t believe this, I wouldn’t show up to work on Monday morning."

Yeah, Russell signs his paychecks, but similar sentiment has been expressed by others not on Russell's payroll, which is disturbing on so many levels.

How many times have you heard people use a variation of this excuse, such as "Jesus knows my heart" when they want to justify their trifling behavior. You know what I'm talking about, like when someone never goes to church, but is quick to say"Jesus knows my heart." Or, when someone doesn't fulfill an obligation or bails on a commitment, but soothes their conscience with "Jesus knows my heart."

Newsflash: Your actions reflect what's in your heart.  In the case of Russell Simmons, the same heart that can spur a man to be a philanthropist and a Trayvon Martin champion can also desecrate an abolitionist heroine with a disgusting and profoundly disturbing parody and call it "the funniest thing I've ever seen."  He also needed his famous friends to explain to him why what he did was so deeply offensive. Yeah, your heart is telling me all I need to know.

The same rule applies for us ordinary folks. It's not about your words or intentions, it's about your actions which stem directly from that organ in the middle of your chest. So the next time I hear someone say that they know a person's heart I'm going to call them on it and say "No, you don't." It may be cliche, but actions speak louder and more convincingly than words. 

Stay random,

Jay