Sunday, July 8, 2012

Everything AIN'T for everybody

What's up motherfleckers! (If you watched Suits on the USA network  you would totally get that reference). Sooooo...I haven't written in a while and for that I apologize. I don't really have an explanation. "Life got in the way," sounds dishonest, but "I got lazy" doesn't really describe my absence from blogging either. All I can say is that I'm sorry and that I'll try (emphasis on "try") to do better.

Anywho,

In the words of Jill Scott, "everything ain't for everybody." I've been thinking a lot about these words lately, especially when it comes to my job issues and my relationships. It's finally starting to sink that while things and situations don't work out for a variety of reasons, the reason that's hardest to accept is that some things just aren't meant to be.

Example 1: Jobs

As many of you know, I was let got from my job in June 2011. What followed was pure and unadulterated hell for the next 10 1/2 months. I spiraled into another severe depression, ended a relationship with one of my oldest friends, drained my savings, went on that oh-so-terrible government assistance that the Republicans hate so much, became the victim of both car theft (I still don't have a car) and identity theft (3 cards were opened in my name that I knew nothing about), and just basically experienced the most soul-crushing period of my life.

The "fall" came after I was let go from my job of 3years. I took the job reluctantly and never liked it. I always felt awkward, confused, out-of-place, and just unsure of what was expected of me. Despite all this, I stayed in a position that never felt right because I needed a job and just wanted some kind of security after a challenging period living in Atlanta. 

Fast forward to 2011 and there are new managers who decide to eliminate my position. Obviously I was devastated at the time and wondering what went wrong. I beat myself up something terrible and decided that it was all my fault and that I was a horrible employee. I literally made myself sick with worry over the prospect of trying to convince another employer to hire me.

When I started my new job in April 2012, I was very paranoid about "screwing up." Do I suck? Am I good at this? Paranoia is no way to start a new job, but that's what I did. It wasn't until my boss told me that I was doing good work during two separate evaluation sessions that I finally began to think that I was going to be OK. And if I was going to be OK, that obviously meant that maybe, just maybe, I was actually....wait for it...GOOD AT MY JOB. If I was good at this job, maybe that also meant that what happened at my last job wasn't an indictment of my skills, knowledge, and abilities. Maybe the new managers didn't know what they were doing, or maybe it was God's way of getting me out of a situation that was never right for me. As Jill would say "everything ain't for everybody," and I'm glad that the "thing" that wasn't for me is no more, despite everything that happened.

Example 2: Relationships

I had a close male friend, but I kinda of ruined it by getting feelings and stuff. Things really got complicated when he got a girlfriend. Despite the girlfriend, we still talked on the phone frequently and remained close.

However, at some point, I FINALLY accepted that my feelings would never be reciprocated, that there would be no romantic comedy ending. Consequently, I ended the friendship. If he wanted me, he would done something. He wouldn't  have started dating the next chick, or he wouldn't have stayed in the relationship. If we were meant to be together, we would be, and we are not. Say it with me now, "everything AIN'T for everybody." Hopefully my decision cleared the way for the guy that actually wants me in the flesh rather than just on the phone.  

As I mentioned previously, I lost one of my best friends because of my job loss. How you ask? Long story short: I said something really offensive during a particularly low point, and she decided she couldn't deal with me anymore. I didn't attack her personally, but I did attack something that she believed. My other friends could tell that something was truly wrong when I said what I said and stood by me, but she abandoned me. We had a major flare up in our friendship about 7 years ago, but the fact that certain words said in 2011 in a moment of deep and profound despair prompted her to end our friendship, while other friends expressed concern, showed me that our season as friends was truly over. Did I mention that all of this happened around my birthday?

We weren't meant to be BFFs and that was a painful realization. In my humble opinion, out-of-character and regrettable words shouldn't have prompted the end of a 17-year friendship, but that's just me. I think you know where I'm going with this. If we were meant to be friends, we would have gotten past the situation, but we didn't and our lifetime bond just wasn't meant to be.

As much as I would have liked for all of these situations to have worked out, I'm not in control. God has the final say and He said, "Uh, no" when it came to some things in my life that I thought had staying power. I'm not thrilled, but I've reached a point of acceptance and realization that it all will work out for my good.

With that said, I can't mention the lovely Jill Scott without a video embed. Enjoy and stay random. Also, check ya girl out on Instagram at RealJCarol.

--Jay




      


5 comments:

  1. It's such a beautiful thing when you reach that point of acceptance and get to a true Romans 8:28 mentality, isn't it? I'm right there with you girl!

    -KW

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  2. Would like to know what words were said. I think it's silly to know someone for that long and have them just drop the coin on your friendship. That said, the extra added space creates a clearing for more healthy relationships to come in!!!

    Lanie A

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  3. Congrats on reaching your level of acceptance. I think most of us live in the past or think about what should have been. The truth about living is getting to a place where you are comfortable just being you. That includes the good and ugly. Life is full of ups and downs and not everyone that crosses our paths are rooted to grow with us. Some are just here for a season or two and blow around like tumble weed. Good for you that you are comfortable with yourself. Don't ever doubt your abilities, beauty, talent, and unlimited potential.

    Love ya T

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