TRAYVON AND ALL LITTLE BLACK BOY WONDERS: YOU MATTER

What sickened me most about the George Zimmerman verdict, besides the fact that a murderer profiled an innocent child and wasn't held accountable for his death, was the message that the verdict sent to Black boys and Black people everywhere: You are worthless. Your lives, little Black boy and Black girl, don't matter. Kill dogs? You're going to jail! Kill a Black child? Is that all? Man, go home and go to sleep. Trayvon Martin, Jordan Davis, Oscar Grant, Sean Bell,Amadou Diallo,and countless others going back to Emmett Till and beyond. Yep, the message from your country is clear: We care about our pets more than we care about you, even to the point of death.

Well, that message can go to hell, and thankfully in the midst of this tragedy people are trying to drown it out, whether it's the Dream Defenders protesting Stand Your Ground laws in Florida, the NAACP's push for civil rights charges against Trayvon's killer, the multiracial coalition that's taken to the streets nationwide to protest the verdict, or the faith, strength and courage of Trayvon's parents, Tracy Martin and Sybrina Fulton.

Here's another example, a beautiful example of art as advocacy, advocacy for the worth and value of Black boys who too often are targets because they dare to Black, young and male in America. Written and produced by actor Omari Hardwick, Little Black Wonder is a tribute to Trayvon Martin and other "Little Black Boy Wonders" through spoken word. The piece features Hardwick and other notable actors including David Oweloyo, Eriq LaSalle, and Gary Dourdan.



I watched the video twice and had to hold back tears at my desk each time. The fact that this video doesn't have a million views surprises me, so that's why I'm doing my part to spread this beautiful message. Black boys and Black girls, please know that you matter and that we will fight for you.

From Being Mary Jane to Scandal and Olivia Pope: Cheers to the Flawed Black Woman

*SPOILERS AHEAD!*

Like many of you, I watched the premiere of BET's "Being Mary Jane" starring Gabrielle Union, and I really liked it! The writing, acting, plot and direction were all compelling to the point where I limited my Twitter checks to the commercials (and boy were there a LOT of commercials). Did BET actually do something right? Who knew? I kid, sort of.

"Being Mary Jane" (BMJ) is another positive example of the evolving image of Black women on television, and I don't think it's a stretch to thank Kerry Washington's "Scandal" for all this. If women of all shades couldn't relate to Olivia Pope's fabulous messiness in her love life, in addition to aspiring to be an 'Olivia Pope' in their own lives, I don't know if we would be seeing the complex and wonderfully flawed characters that we saw in the premiere.

If I can steal from the Good Book for a second, it seems as if Scandal begat Meagan Good's "Deception" (RIP), Kimberly Elise's "Hit the Floor," Tika Sumpter's "The Have and Have Nots" (she deserves so much better, but I digress) and BET's "Being Mary Jane."

Yes, I know that there have been positive Black female role models before, but something happened after Claire Huxtable and her ilk left the scene. With the rise of reality TV, we got a whole lot of ratchet that you know, didn't cast us in the most flattering light.

Unfortunately, Ratchet will be around for the foreseeable future, but now that there seems to a resurgence of balance in our portrayals, I'm definitely breathing a sigh of relief.  I mean I can only sign so many petitions to keep the spawn of "All My Babies' Mommas" off the air.

What I liked the most about BMJ were the surprises and how I could relate to so many of Mary Jane Paul's issues, quirks and struggles. In the first scene alone we got sexy sex with Omari Hardwick (Lawd!), vomit by Omari Hardwick (ewwwwwww!), and Gabby, uh Mary Jane, giving Omari a good  hosing for not telling her he was married. Yeah, I was not expecting all of THAT. I will also never look at a box of baking soda the same way again, but the I-want-a-family struggle is real for so many of us

Beyond the "Whoa!" moments there were also the moments that had me and Black Twitter co-signing in agreement. Whether it's taking a "ho" bath, Facebook chatting with the ex, enabling trifling family members, taking care of a sick parent, hooking up with dudes who don't recognize our worth, or fighting for what's for right at work, I think a lot women could see themselves in Union's Mary Jane.

Heck, even little things like the quick clean up before the boo comes over and reading on the toilet (because as Union noted on Twitter, "everybody poos") were a breath of fresh air because they're real and honest moments. That's all we ever wanted, authentic representations of Black women in all our complexity. We're smart, fabulous, successful, but we're also a mess in other aspects of our lives, and that's OK because it's REAL.

I hope "Being Mary Jane" stays true to what I saw last night. If it does, and we continue to support, it will be successful.  We wanted more realistic portrayals of Black womanhood and we're finally getting them. "Scandal," BMJ, and the works of Issa Rae and Ava Duvernay are blazing trails, but hopefully this renaissance won't stop with them.

P.S. Kerry Washington got married! You betta go head girl and keep your life private! Celebs, take copious notes. You ain't got to have your business all out in the street, unless you want it that way.

Stay random,

Jay

Show some freakin' appreciation! Pretty please :)

Folks are always talking about love, and how we all need it, want it, and gotta have it. But you know what we really need to do? Show some friggin' appreciation sometimes! Yeah, I know that doesn't fit neatly into song lyrics or Instagram philosophy, but hear me out..

I started thinking about appreciation in the waning days of the 2013 NBA season when my hometown NBA team, the Memphis Grizzlies, fired coach Lionel Hollins.

All Hollins did was guide the team to their most successful season in Grizzlies history and the team's first-ever appearance in the Western Conference finals. I mean, is a pink slip any way to treat someone who more than exceeded expectations? Yeah, I know there were other issues, but I tell ya, no appreciation.

You know this is effed up, right?

Well, after I ranted about this on FB and Twitter, I decided NOT to pull a Memphis Grizzlies and show some appreciation for just a FEW things that have impacted my life for the better.

1) Friends: I have my own special brand of crazy. Well, we all do, but mine is like Ciroc, ultra premium. Therefore, I appreciate the friends, both new and old, that have embraced me, without judgment, and have helped me learn more about myself and hopefully become a better person.

2) Family: I have extremely difficult relationships with certain family members for various reasons. However, I'm finally starting to realize that they always wanted the best for me. Consequently, they really tried, in their own misguided way, to do what they thought was the right thing. Problems arose with their ideas, the execution, etc. But, when I think about the times that my family helped me in my darkest hours, I can't be anything but appreciative, despite the dysfunction.

3) The week in racial and legal crazy: Anyone who believes in the fallacy of post-racial America, I appreciate this past week for blowing up the "race doesn't matter anymore" argument to bits, again. Between the George Zimmerman trial, Paula Deen's racist/non-racist (depending on who you ask) shenanigans and the Supreme Court destroying the Voting Rights Act, racism, white privilege and all that goes with it are alive, healthy and ain't going nowhere anytime soon. I mean, Kerry Washington gets it, so why is this difficult for your cousins to understand?
  
4) The Have and The Have Nots: No, not the TV show (God, no. That's a whole different blog post). What I have, I appreciate it that much more because I didn't necessarily always have it. What I don't have, I'm starting to realize that I'm doing OK without it.

6) Maturing Musical Tastes: I don't have a car which means I don't listen to the radio anymore. Therefore, I listen to Pandora
A LOT and learn about new music from friends and other sources. When I do find out what's hot in the streets, I'm usually disappointed (not always, but enough). Yeah, I may be out of the loop, but at least I have a better appreciation of good music as opposed to...this other stuff. #noshade

5) Something bigger than myself: God kept me out of some things (even though I wanted in sooooo badly), and put me in some things for a reason.

There are obviously other things that I appreciate, but it's a long list, and I know you've got to go grocery shopping for your 4th of July potato salad. So, I'll end by saying, what about you? Who and/or what do you appreciate? Show some love in the comments!

Stay random,

Jay

All in the Family: When Siblings Attack

June brings to mind weddings and for me, it's a reminder that I may not go to my younger sister's wedding. Why? Well, here's the thing: I'm one of those weirdos that doesn't have a great relationship with my siblings, particularly my younger sister. In fact, while I love her as a sister and want only good things for her, I don't like my sister as a person. If we weren't related we probably wouldn't have anything to do with each other. 

Yes, I know that sounds awful and harsh, but the sad part is that I'm pretty sure she feels the same way. Iyanla, if you're reading this, your Fix My Life services are needed. 

I call myself a "weirdo" because among my peers, it feels like I'm an outlier. It seems like everyone I know, friends and acquaintances alike, has a great, good or at least decent relationship with their sibling(s). Obviously I don't know all the gory details of these relationships, and I'm sure that things aren't always roses and rainbows, but I do know that these people couldn't imagine their lives without their siblings and they know that their siblings will always provide the comfort, encouragement, affirmation, understanding, acceptance and tough love they need to get through the storms of life.

As for me, I can't say the same and it makes me wonder if I'm truly an outlier or if there's a closet bursting with people like me who have a hard time coping with family members who do more harm than good, whether they realize it or not.

How did we get here? Chile, a blog couldn't hold the sorted history, but it stems from a six-year age difference, not really growing  up together even though we lived under the same roof with the same dysfunctional parents, EXTRAORDINARILY different communication styles, lack of acceptance of the other one's personality traits and flaws, resentment, and trust issues. Unfortunately, we've both done and said a lot of stuff  to hurt and wound each other over the years.

So, as the wedding approaches I'm at a crossroads:  I've never been to a wedding in this state of mind. Given everything that's happened, the idea of sitting in a pew, through a reception, smiling as if everything is OK, doesn't make any sense. 

There's a big part of me that wants to follow some advice I saw on  Instagram (DO NOT give me that look), "Stop chasing the people that hurt you..." On the other hand, do I again try to strive toward the ideal expressed in a Frank Bruni opinion piece from The New York Times, or does our dysfunction make this ideal out of reach??

"With my sisters, I can be my most primal self: inarticulate, childishly emotional...They’re the only people in the world you can be your worst self with and they’ll still accept you.”

My sister and I don't have this, and I've adopted the mantra that you can't make grown people do anything, including developing relationships with their siblings. Many of my friends have treated me better than my sister and provided much needed balance. But, is it OK to stay in the I-really-don't-like-my-sister-and-I'm-not-going-to-pretend-I-do closet, and wouldn't it make more sense to just try to be good to those who are good to me?

Yes, I've prayed about all this, talked about it, but I still have questions that are going unanswered, the most important one being, can this relationship be saved?

Stay random,

Jay

Jesus Does Not Approve of Your Reality Show Shenanigans...At Least I Don't Think So

Now, that we've recovered from our Scandal hangovers (Dad???!!!!!), let's talk about new television foolywang that has left me verklempt and outdone to the point where I've decided to write...wait for it..an open letter.Yes, it's that serious. If Hov can do one on Cuba, I can write one on this hot mess waiting to happen.  

What hot mess you ask? Oxygen, a network trying way too hard to out-ratchet VH1 (Uh, "Bad Girls Club" anyone? Remember the "All My Babies' Mamas" fiasco?) has decided to move forward with "Pastors of LA." Um, say what now? See, this is why we can't have nice things and advance as a people. Anywho, back to this letter.

Dear Bishop Noel Jones, Deitrick Haddon, Bishop Clarence McClendon, Pastor Wayne Chaney, Bishop Ron Gibson, and Pastor Jay Haizlip:

I don't live in L.A. and have never visited your churches,but as a person of faith and regular church goer, I feel it's my Christian duty to tell you that diving into the messiness that is reality TV is a TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD idea.

Now, I know you're probably saying that I'm jumping to conclusions. I mean the press release announcing the show suggests an enlightening and revealing series:

"Pastors of L.A." will give viewers a candid and revealing look at six boldly different and world renowned mega-pastors in Southern California, who are willing to share diverse aspects of their lives, from their work in the community and with their parishioners to the very large and sometimes provocative lives they lead away from the pulpit.

 

That sounds all well and good, but I know you've watched a reality TV series or two. I've sampled more than my fair shame, and I can confidently say that no one comes off well on reality TV. NO ONE (except Tia and Tamera, maybe)! Even television producers realize that reality TV is code for coonery, so that's why they're trying to use Jedi mind tricks by referring to this as a "docu-series." Hopefully you see what they did there.

From my vantage point, people sign on to reality TV for a few main reasons: to make money, get famous, sell some kind of product, or revive a stalled career. That's what makes your choice to participate in "Pastors of LA" so baffling. You've got everything that NeNe lacked before she got on Real Housewives: money, fame and influence.

As a pastor, bishop, overseer, etc., your job is supposed to be bringing souls to Christ and helping them understand the word of God. How do the values of reality TV align with that?  The goal of reality TV is magnify the cray cray and dysfunction to maximize the ratings. But you already knew that, right? I mean, have you seen "Basketball Wives"?

Also, you do realize that if this show is a success, your personal life will suffer, right? I mean, Bishop Jones, if you really want to have a successful relationship with LisaRaye "Diamond" "First Lady" McCoy, why put your business out there for the world to see? Reality couples generally don't do well under the harsh the "docu-series"spotlight. Isn't it enough that your congregation and all of LA will be up your business?

Deitrick Haddon, is this about promoting your music? Dude, there has to be a better way, one that won't require you to become a "character" to be more successful.

Can I be really real? Please put "Pastors of LA" out to pasture and concentrate on feeding your sheep. You guys are church leaders. You are held to a higher standard by people, you should hold yourself to a higher standard.

I don't know what your reasons are for doing this show or your intentions. But trust, whatever you're trying to do will be remixed into some mess that won't help you or your congregation and give more ammunition to people that give Christianity and pastors the side-eye. Don't be those people. Heck, encourage your fellow pastors not to be those people. Please!!!

Well, that's it. Hopefully you'll reconsider, but if not, you can't say I didn't warn ya.

Sincerely, respectfully and randomly,

Jay

SCANDAL INDEED: BUT DID YOU EARN IT?

Oh Scandal and Black Twitter, what would I do without you at 10pm on Thursdays nights? Well if you watched the latest episode of Scandal, it was a doozy. If you didn't watch it, stop reading now, because it's about to get spoilerific up in here.

The mole is still running loose, and Byron from A Different World is still showing up at the end of each episode saying something cryptic, but let's talk about the real news of evening: Olivia got a backbone, Fitz put his presidency on the line, and Mellie basically told everyone, "You gonna learn today!"

Basically, Fitz pissed off both of his women in this episode. Mellie decides that she's not here for the Liv-Fitz whoredom anymore, so she throws down the gauntlet by telling Fitz to either end it with Olivia, or she will end his re-election bid before it starts with a TV interview exposing the affair if he doesn't get some sense in 36 hours. Ultimatum game proper.   

Olivia finally gets tired of Fitz bossing her around in the name of "love," and after being summoned for sexy time at the White House one too many times, she yells at him, "If you want me, EARN ME!!" She said it with her chest, with bass in her voice and everything. I hate to generalize, but I'm pretty sure that viewers everywhere said a collective "FINALLY!" after Liv stormed out of the Oval Office, white gloves in hand (and she left without having anger sex with Fitz. If that ain't progress, I don't know what is).


What makes Olivia so complex, frustrating and relatable is that she's powerful, beautiful, glamorous, and brilliant in her professional life, but a complete mess in her personal life, especially her romantic relationships. Fitz is a spoiled, controlling, selfish man-child, but that doesn't stop Liv from being hopelessly in love with him. I think many women can relate to casting their pearls before swine at least once, and for way too long.

Fitz being Fitz, he thinks Mellie is bluffing. However, once it's clear that she's not playing, he goes to Olivia's place and basically runs out the clock on his marriage waiting for the interview. When the clock strikes 9 pm, it's done: Mellie starts the interview, and Fitz basically kills his chances of getting re-elected for the woman he loves. Wow. Liv said he'd have to earn her love, and he did, right?

Eh, I'm not so sure. Did Fitz really do anything? Here's a couple of ways to look at it:

GOOD DAY RT @blackgirlgeeky: He didn't leave his wife for you. He let her leave while he sat at your place. Good day. #Scandal
— Kimberly N. Foster (@KimberlyNFoster) May 3, 2013

Or...

Kid Fury ‏@KidFury 

He ain't bring no wine. No chocolate turtles. No Beyoncé tickets. He ain't earn sh**.

In the case of Scandal, Fitz half acts like he wants to be president, so the possibility of being re-elected isn't a big deal, at least I think so. What he did took minimal effort. He didn't "earn" anything because he didn't put in any work. 

The same principle applies in real life (see how this works). If Walter the accountant says he's giving up something for you, that sounds nice, but if what's being given up isn't all that important to him, then isn't Walter just being dramatic? Don't we all have enough drama in our lives? Doesn't Walter have some books to keep?

The last time I checked, earning something valuable takes hard work. So, what did we learn from these latest Scandal shenanigans? "If you want me, EARN ME!" is a great t-shirt slogan, but it's meaningless if lower your standards for sorry sacrifices.

If you want someone to "earn" you, what would you want them to do?

Chew on that and stay random,

Jay

People suck except when they don't: What the Boston bombing and the Central Park 5 teach us about good and evil

I said I wasn't going to write anything about the Boston marathon tragedy because I wasn't sure if I could add anything to the conversation. Two sociopaths killed and maimed unsuspecting innocent people just trying to enjoy the Boston marathon, including a child, in the name of religion. Tragic and horrible, but unfortunately, not uncommon. The lazy media tries to pin the horrific crime on the "dark-skinned", and the perpetrators turn out to be two evil white guys. Ridiculous and infuriating, but all TOO common. As I watched the cries and screams of victims on television morph into cheers when the surviving bomber was captured, I was reminded of a fundamental yet frustrating and unsatisfying truth: People are terrible, except when they are not.

Common sense, right? Of course that good and evil are constantly in play on an intellectual level, but sometimes we need an event or some other reminder to shake us out of our mental haze and force us to examine ourselves and how we treat one another.

When watching the coverage of the Boston tragedy, I  thought a lot about the heartbreaking Central Park Five documentary I saw days earlier. For background, in 1989 a white female jogger was brutally beaten and raped in Central Park. Five Black and Latino teenagers were arrested, and in a complete and utter miscarriage of justice, were sent to prison for YEARS for a crime they did not commit. All but one of the teens spent seven years in jail. The oldest spent 13 years in jail. To this day, New York City refuses to settle a lawsuit brought by the Five, who are now in their mid to late-30s, and the prosecutors still maintain that the Five were guilty even though a serial rapist later admitted to the crime. So, the injustice of the Central Park Five situation rages on.

What does this have to do with Boston? Near the end of the documentary, a historian articulated a simple and profound lesson about what happened: "We're not very good people."

Preach! It's not a stretch to believe that a mix of racism, bad timing, lazy law enforcement, ambitious prosecutors, fear, and inflamed rhetoric from politicians can ruin the lives of young Black men, or any person of color for that matter. The Five lost their youth, have struggled to reconstruct their lives, and no one has said they're sorry or tried to make the situation right. Yes, people suck. We're horrible.

And then Boston happened and of course it started with evil and devastation, which was just confirmation of what I've always known, people SUCK! But then, you saw the heroism and the outpouring of kindness and compassion toward the victims and the city of Boston. Well, maybe people in general aren't completely awful. 

We see this dichotomy all the time whether it's Boston, Katrina, Central Park, Sandy Hook, Chicago, Innocence Project success stories, or your city block, this contrast between compassion, kindness and selflessness and astonishing evil. How can we help our fellow man one minute and then destroy him the next? Why are we like this? Would we know what good looks like if it weren't for evil?

I don't have the answers to any of these questions, and I'm guessing that you don't either. If anything, we need to start dialogues and do things that promote peace and not pain.        

Stay random,

Jay